Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
