I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
