I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
