Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
