my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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