if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
