someone threw a dead crab at me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
