my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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