i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
