roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
