and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
