you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Fuck appropriateness.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
