you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
