I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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