I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
