my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
