She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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