In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
His nipple licking is glorious
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