I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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