I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Drunk is a universal language darling
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
