i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
