We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
