Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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