So drunk, too bad you don't want this
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
