I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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