Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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