It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
