I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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