i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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