I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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