There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
