So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
