apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
