New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
