if i can run in heels then i can drive
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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