She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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