i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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