Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Randomize
