We won't sleep together?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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