Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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