I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
