Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
