I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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