I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
