Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
