dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
