just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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