Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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