How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
