sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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