i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
