After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
