I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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