Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
